Ooooooh I swear this little ack....ugh.....So this kid who used to be my best friend....man he's such a bitch....bitch...bitch....ugh......i dont know how else to put it or how to make sense of it. just people like this...;who use only at their convenience.......man i swear they get to be sometimes....because theyre so ahhhh......i liked this guy for like 4+ years....and he ....he....for the thrill of nothing....and now im fine you know im happy with who i have but this little bbbbb...ah he does things still to piss me off....i know i should shrug him off....and trust me i dont let him know....but damn......ah.

So today

I find myself defeated. Life here is not getting any better. I have not made more friends....I have not been making better grades. Some things just suck, but what really defeated me was calling my dad.

See we were never too close..But last friday my mom called me to tell me he was in the hospital and that he was having surgery. I immediately thought the worst then she made it sound like it wasnt so bad. Today was the first time he ate and when I called me was attempting to walk around the hospital. He has several tubes in him and he is just overall not good. I hate it when they try to make things seem like they are not as bad as they are because I know they are horrible. I feel useless not being able to help them financially. I just feel useless. So to add to my misery, the image of home is not the same. My father can no longer be the workaholic that he was and now my mom must babysit him. What of my younger brother and sister? As if they already werent abandoned enough they have to be extra alone. And it just sucks because here I am in my dorm sitting comfortably attempting to live this fucking college life that I hate.

And I dont know how to fix any of it. Because this shit sucks. Sometimes I wonder if Im depressed. I have a boyfriend of a year and thats pretty much the only thing keeping me sane. Sometimes I just wonder. And I dont let anybody know this crap because everybody is just too self-absorbed to notice anything.

I just want to disappear....Blah....American Dream my ass.



I just had to this life brings me zero fulfillment.

First

There is always a time for firsts....And I've come to realize since I stopped blogging last year I've resorted to blogs on myspace...And as much as I like for certain people to view what I post, I feel it's become just a little too...iffy. So now I am back to typing my thoughts away. This time those who are close to me won't find easy access to my brain. Just as it should be...

I've come a long way since I first started to blog in 2004. But now everything is different. Back then I went to a school that cared little about the students. Sometimes it feels like this 200+ year-old university does not either, but overall I am just so confused with life. Racism stills exists and I am still just a girl from the South living out of my comfort zone.

I do not think many things have changed in my emotional state. Sadly I still find myself lingering in the depths of what was. As bad as it is to say that, it's true. In any case, I need an outlet where I can release my thoughts.