So today

I find myself defeated. Life here is not getting any better. I have not made more friends....I have not been making better grades. Some things just suck, but what really defeated me was calling my dad.

See we were never too close..But last friday my mom called me to tell me he was in the hospital and that he was having surgery. I immediately thought the worst then she made it sound like it wasnt so bad. Today was the first time he ate and when I called me was attempting to walk around the hospital. He has several tubes in him and he is just overall not good. I hate it when they try to make things seem like they are not as bad as they are because I know they are horrible. I feel useless not being able to help them financially. I just feel useless. So to add to my misery, the image of home is not the same. My father can no longer be the workaholic that he was and now my mom must babysit him. What of my younger brother and sister? As if they already werent abandoned enough they have to be extra alone. And it just sucks because here I am in my dorm sitting comfortably attempting to live this fucking college life that I hate.

And I dont know how to fix any of it. Because this shit sucks. Sometimes I wonder if Im depressed. I have a boyfriend of a year and thats pretty much the only thing keeping me sane. Sometimes I just wonder. And I dont let anybody know this crap because everybody is just too self-absorbed to notice anything.

I just want to disappear....Blah....American Dream my ass.



I just had to this life brings me zero fulfillment.